Being Single and Content. sort of...

First, I'm not content.

Well, there are many moments where I miss having someone around. Shopping, hanging out, watching the tellie, wanting someone to challenge me to be more than I am, etc...

Those are general things. What I truly miss, but it's hard to define is having that someone - that specific someone here with me. Not just ANYONE to go shopping with or chatting - but HER. That specific person who because of who they are, how they think, how they respond to me... THAT is what I miss the most. But as I say, that's hard to define because, SHE is not here - whoever and wherever SHE is...

But I AM content to be single. Not just because I have no choice otherwise. Although that's arguably the case. I am content because the alternative isn't necessarily all roses and lollipops. From experience, I know the alternative can also be misery and living in fear of the next blow-up. So on a scale between happily married and fear of someone who is emotionally damaged (and wishing your death) - being single AIN'T so bad.

But, I am also fighting something else. I've seen enough in my own past relationships with loved ones and family to doubt the existence of what we call unconditional 'love'. Not totally doubt it, mind you - I have some incredible friends and family.

Marriage is different though. I'm an old-fashioned kinda guy. Maybe I fall in love too easily. But when I fall in love, I stay in love. I am loyal to a fault. Some people tell me that I let people use me - that I'm too naive and forgiving. But to me there is no such thing as 'too' forgiving. There is no measurement on FORGIVNESS. You either forgive or you don't.

Looking around, it's harder and harder for me to believe that I will ever find anyone who not only is fun to be with, lovely to look at, have a lot in common AND will not bale when she just feels like it. That's how it's been in my experience. Women aren't just fickle, they are painfully and brutally so. Sadly, it's taken me 20+ years to admit that.

The bottom line is I'm content to be single because trust is hard for me, anymore.

...but the eternal optimist in me keeps hoping that I'm wrong.